


All for a Good Night's Sleep

by SakuraMota



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Beta Read Because We Survive Like Felix, Crack Fic, Explaining Canon but with Crack, Gen, Suggestive, This is totally how it happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:22:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26383327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuraMota/pseuds/SakuraMota
Summary: Ever wonder how Claude ended up with that sweet, huge mattress?  Yeah, me too.ORA crackfic I devised while drunk on LIFE
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	All for a Good Night's Sleep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Madampringle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madampringle/gifts).



> I blame Madampringle for being drunk on our own hubris on VC with me one too many times and causing this disaster.

_All For a Good Night’s Sleep_

A Fire Emblem Three Houses Story

Claude’s knuckles rapped on the oak door frame, and he stood in the open doorway as the room’s occupant looked up from his work.

“Mr. von Riegan,” Seteth said, seated at his desk with a half-examined stack of documents, a pair of ornate half-circle reading glasses perched on his nose. “What can I do for you?”

“Afternoon, Professor,” Claude said amiably as he strolled into the office, a loose grin on his lips.

“Please, call me Seteth. I am not a Professor, after all,” he said.

“Fair enough,” Claude said with a shrug. “Well then, Seteth. You’re looking as stern and poised as ever. I’ve gotta say, it’s a good look on you.”

Seteth’s eyes narrowed a fraction behind his glasses. “Mr. von Riegan, is this an attempt at flattery?” he asked in a flat tone. “If your aim is to curry favor, I am afraid it will not work.”

“Eesh. Can’t a guy pay a man a compliment?” Claude said, lacing his fingers behind his neck.

“I’m very busy, Mr. von Riegan, so if you are quite finished, please see yourself out.”

“Actually, I’m not,” Claude said, expression suddenly serious. “I need to request a change in my room arrangements.”

Seteth’s brows raised. “Oh? Is there a problem?”

“Yeah, a big one," he said, nodding. “Or, should I say, a small one.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

Claude corrected his posture, squaring his shoulders. “I need a bigger bed.”

“...I beg your pardon?” Seteth asked, a look of bewilderment on his face.

“My current bed is too small,” said Claude, frowning sternly. “I toss and turn in my sleep, and I’ve rolled onto the floor at least a dozen times now. So, for the sake of my sleep, I’m humbly requesting a change.”

Seteth sighed, rubbing his brow in irritation. These damn spoiled noble children. “Mr. von Riegan, bedroom arrangements are standardized amongst all the students,” he said, weaving his fingers together on the desk. “Therefore I must flatly deny your request. You will adjust to your sleeping arrangements as they are currently.”

“Aw, come on, Seteth,” Claude said, lip jutting out in almost a pout. “I’m losing sleep like this, and it’s affecting my studies. You wouldn’t actively handicap a student like that, would you?”

“Request denied, Mr. von Riegan,” Seteth repeated sternly. “Good day to you.”

Claude remained before the desk, clearly weighing his options. “All right. I didn’t want to have to do this, but you’ve given me no choice.” He waited until Seteth looked up from his paperwork again. “I’m willing to compensate you.”

Seteth’s frown deepened. “Bribery is strictly prohibited at Garreg Mach, Claude, and even if it were not, no amount you could pay would cause me to bend the rules for a student.”

“Oh, I don’t mean money,” Claude said, scheming grin resurfacing. “I was going to offer my body in exchange.”

A silence fell between them, Seteth blinking at Claude, half shocked, half incredulous. Surely he misunderstood, or perhaps misheard. “... _Excuse me?_ ”

“You’re an uptight guy, Seteth,” Claude said casually, shrugging. “Clearly it’s been a while since you got laid. If you help me out with my situation, I’m more than happy to fix that for you, as a one-time exchange, of course.”

“ _Out_ ,” Seteth said, fury written on his face. “Out, before I discipline you for this outrageous suggestion.”

“Oh, you can discipline me if you want,” Claude said, grin devious. “I’m into that. Just know, my safeword is, ‘wyvern.’”

“Claude von Riegan, if you do not vacate my office _this instant_ —”

“All right, all right,” Claude surrendered, hands up in supplication. “I’ll give you time to think about it.” He turned to leave but paused in the doorway for a beat before he faced Seteth again. “One last thing, though, just as an aside: I have zero gag reflex.”

Seteth’s expression froze, and he stared at Claude, unreadable.

“I once got a whole banana in my throat, just to see if I could do it. Turns out I could. Funny how we learn these things about ourselves, huh?” Claude said.

Continued impassive staring.

“Mind you, I’ve never done it with the real thing, but I imagine it wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Claude,” said Seteth, his voice almost a grave whisper as he removed his reading glasses.

“Yeah, Seteth?”

“...Not a word of this leaves this office. Is that understood?”

Claude blinked, surprised. “Yeah...of course not.”

“...Shut the door, Mr. von Riegan.”

A corner of Claude’s lips twitched upward.

* * *

Nearly half a moon later, Byleth knocked on her House Leader’s door. She still wasn’t accustomed to life at Garreg Mach Academy, so she relied heavily on his judgment. Some might find it odd, a professor turning to a student for help, but after all, they were only three years apart in age, and Garreg Mach wasn’t a preparatory educational facility but rather a military school of sorts. After a short pause, she heard a faint, “Come in!” behind the door, and she entered.

“Oh! Hey, Teach!” Claude said, seated cross-legged on his mattress, half the library spread out before him atop the tangled sheets. It was odd to see him dressed out of his uniform in a yellow shirt and plain black trousers, his bare toes tapping out some beat in his head before he looked up at her. Then again, this was his dormitory, and it was well past dinner at this point.

Catching her wandering thoughts, Byleth delicately tiptoed between the mess of books and tools on his floor and handed him a packet. “I looked over your budget proposal for the mock battle,” she said. “If you and the other Deer don’t object to the changes I’ve made, I’ll purchase the required weaponry tomorrow.”

“Look at you, becoming a responsible professor,” Claude said with a wink, taking the packet from her. “They grow up so fast.”

“Really, it’s no different than planning a mission, and I did plenty of that as a mercenary,” Byleth said with a shrug. “You can review it tonight and bring it by in the morning if you like.”

“Nah, just give me a minute to look it over,” Claude said, already scanning the document with eager attention, though that loose, false smile he always wore remained on his lips.

Byleth glanced around the room as she stood awkwardly in the silence, allowing him the time to assess her changes. Claude’s room gave off an, “organized chaos,” energy, something Sothis noted in that moment. How he slept in a bed covered from head to foot in books, she could only guess. Something about that thought made her frown, however, so lost in thought that she didn’t notice when Claude addressed her.

“Something wrong, Teach?”

Blinking back to herself, Byleth shook her head. “No, I’m fine.”

“Well, this looks great by my standards, so I think we’ll go with this,” he said, offering the budget back to her. “Let me know if you need any help bargain hunting.”

She nodded, but her mind snagged on its previous thought. “You know,” she said, “I never noticed it before now, but...your bed is much larger than everyone else’s.”

“Perks of being a House Leader, I guess,” Claude said with a casual shrug.

“No, Edelgard and Dimitri’s beds are the same regulation size,” she said, shaking her head. “I ended up in a student dormitory, and even _my_ bed is regulation. I asked Seteth if I could get a better mattress, and he just gave me some bullshit line about how everyone is equal at the Academy.”

“Heh, yeah...Seteth is definitely a hard ass for rules,” Claude said with a knowing chuckle.

“So how did you end up with a mattress you can swim on, and whose dick do I have to suck to get some back support in this place?” Byleth said with the blunt honesty Claude had come to appreciate.

With a devious grin, Claude shrugged again. “What can I say, Teach? Maybe I’m just lucky.”

**Author's Note:**

> As always, you can find me:
> 
> Twitter: [@sakumodoesstuff](https://twitter.com/sakumodoesstuff)  
> Tumblr: [@sakumosowainthirst](https://sakumosowainthirst.tumblr.com)  
> Discord: [Claudeleth Server](https://discord.gg/Y3vrRT3)


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